It’s just a phase, isn’t it?

When I was in secondary school, I had several nicknames given to me by my peers. I remember Witchcraft being shouted at me across the hall, I remember greebo and goth being launched at me like a bullet set to wound or even kill.

(A 17 year old me)

But, what these bullies didn’t realise was that I actually got pleasure from hearing them jeer at me, calling me names that I felt were far more ‘me’ than my own name (at the time). I got a thrill out of being infamous in secondary school, whether it was for good reasons or bad, I loved being known by everyone.

I’m no longer in secondary school (thank fuck) and I’m now hurtling towards my thirties at what feels like super speed. But, somewhere along the line, I should’ve thrown away the band t-shirts, the purple lipstick and the New Rock boots and emerged as a social butterfly who enjoys wearing push up bras, sunbeds and peroxide. But I didn’t….

At 29, I’m still dying my naturally medium brown hair, black. I’m still painting my nails black (and now shaping them to a point) and I still wear my ‘signature’ winged black eyeliner I perfected by the time I was 16.

The difference is, I know who I am on the inside. I know what I want from life, I know what makes me tick. I know that I don’t like being suntanned and I always feel more myself when I re-dye my hair black.

Being a goth, for me, is about knowing myself and trusting that I like what I like because I listen to myself; not the media, or my friends or my family. I’ve had people praise me for my individual sense of style even though they are self professed ‘jeans and a t-shirt’ type and that is what drives me in my quest to show the world you do not have to subscribe to ANY culture or subculture if don’t want to.

Of course, it’s natural for us to all go through stages in life of liking a certain look, or genre of music that is different to what you thought you’d be listening to or liking.

For example just after the ending of my first relationship, I decided to train to be a body piercer. I spent 8 months working in a body piercing studio in the town I went to school. During those 8 months I transitioned into something totally different and by the end of it, I’d packed away most of my ‘gothy’ clothing and was dressing in pencil skirts and shirts with a nipped in waist and wearing red lipstick on a daily basis. I was listening to a lot more Rock N Roll and jazz and was enjoying my girlier side.

It was interesting because being in the body modification industry I got to experience the best of both worlds. I could dress up in a pinup/rockabilly look and still be covered in piercings. I could experiment and see what worked and what didn’t. I loved the creative freedom of working in the body modification industry and it allowed me to widen my interests.

This is what I’d look like one day, working as an apprentice body piercer.

The more I listened to the music of the 1940s and 1950s, the more I became passionate about the look of the eras. I had started attending vintage fairs and decided to start collecting vintage clothing.

I gathered a rather large collection and with that, a surprising amount of knowledge about buying vintage; so with that, I decided to stop my body piercing apprenticeship and start my own business selling clothing and accessories from the 1940s and 50s and Tally Ho! Vintage was born.

This was my first ever fair at a tiny, unknown events company in Milton Keynes.

It then grew very quickly and I’d built up a reputation for being the only vintage business in Milton Keynes that only sold ‘true’ vintage. I had quite a following and had regular customers.

and finally, I had a concession in a vintage/antiques shop in Northampton where I even got my own shop sign (hand made by my fair hand!)

Tally Ho! Vintage was my greatest achievement. I was being asked to set up my business at popular vintage fairs in the local area and had concessions in several antique shops.

Sadly, by this point, my EDS had started to become a problem and my wonderful parents had to help with an awful lot of the physical work that was involved in running a business and doing fairs. I decided to close down the concession I had in Ampthill Antiques Emporium (pictured below)

As I was winding down the vintage business, I had started to model for a friend and her photographer friend who specialised in the pinup look. I modelled for several photographers and websites, was signed to Ugly Models and was published in a Tease and Cake calendar in 2014.

Image copyright: Tease and Cake

Throughout this time, I still had my signature black hair. My nails were often painted red for shoots, but there was always an element of ‘goth’ in how I presented myself. It just came naturally to me, to keep the ‘darker’ side rather than hide it completely and be someone I’m not.

A few years later and the modelling had also had to take a back seat to my health. I couldn’t travel unaccompanied any more and travelling to London for auditions became too much, so I resigned from Ugly Models and only did shoots locally. Thankfully, a friend of mine Kate Beavis writes for Vintage Life Magazine, so I have been fortunate enough to model for her on a couple of occasions.

Image copyright: Binky Nixon for Vintage Life Magazine

That was last year and this is me now….

So you see, it’s absolutely OKAY to experiment with your look. It’s absolutely OKAY to throw caution to the wind and wear that bright red lipstick you’ve never had the guts to wear. It’s OKAY to change your look, it’s okay not to care about having a look.

What’s important, is you find out who you are and be 100 percent comfortable with what you find. If you’re not; make changes.

Being an authentic person takes times, growth and courage to be uniquely you. You’re only on this planet for a relatively short amount of time, so stop wasting it by conforming to someone else’s life plans, looks or tastes.

BE YOU, you are enough!