On 8th December 2017 I sat down in a psychologist’s office and underwent a series of assessments/tests that are used to diagnose Autism Spectrum Disorders in adults. I discussed my childhood, my teen years and my struggles in life both as a young person and as an adult. My Mum also filled out some forms about me and also answered some questions from the Psychologist about me as a toddler – it’s easier to diagnose ASD if they have a decent amount of history from around the age of 4, so it was really important that my Mum attended with me. I left the appointment and Christmas and New Year came and went….
Six agonising weeks passed and finally my result appointment was here.
I sat down in my psychologist’s office once again, and nervously grasping at my coffee, I waited with bated breath. She asked me what I was expecting or hoping for and I answered honestly, while looking at my feet, “I’m hoping for an ASD diagnosis”.
A slow pause and she starts reading out parts of her report (that she had yet to finish) and listed how many points I scored for certain questions and how that measured up to a diagnosis…….
It turns out that on the ADOS 2 assessment, I scored 9. The threshold for an ASD diagnosis is 7, so I can say that I am officially diagnosed as being on the Autism Spectrum and I have Autism Spectrum Disorder. I am not ‘neuro-typical’ – not that that comes as a huge surprise to anyone that knows me, personally!
Part of the report says “she did not ask for information during the ADOS 2 in a social manner; that is, she did not inquire about nor express interest in the examiner’s thoughts, feelings or experiences, even when presented with a leading statement to investigate further.” – I feel particularly embarrassed about this part of the report, as it seems so obvious to me looking back. I remember the discussion and kick myself that I didn’t ask her any questions about herself – but then, I also have to remind myself that this isn’t my fault. I am autistic and part of that means that I do not consider other people’s feelings or thoughts instinctively, like neuro-typical people do. It is something I can now understand and accept.
Being diagnosed with Autism wasn’t a surprise to me, but it did take me a week or so to let it sink in – I wasn’t ‘normal’ and after 31 years, it’s a shock. It did though, validate my feelings that I was innately different to the general public – an inkling I’d had since I was a young teen.
However, I now have to navigate the world knowing that my brain isn’t developed in the same way as most people. This means I’m now constantly questioning myself and trying to figure out who I am. Questions like ‘is this my autism, or is this my personal taste?’ and things like that. How much of what I do and say is down to being autistic? You can see where I’m going with this…. it has opened up a can of worms in a sense.
In contrast, it has also given me a sense of relief. Relief that there is now a clinical, medical reason for why I have found life more difficult, more stressful and less enjoyable than most people. I’ve struggled socially since I can remember and now I know why; it wasn’t my fault that I couldn’t keep friendships going through school. It wasn’t my fault that I was in my early 20s before I had a boyfriend and lost my virginity. Social skills don’t come naturally to me and now I understand why. I understand why I’ve struggled with Social Anxiety Syndrome since my teens; it turns out that Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and ASD are often seen together – anxiety disorders are also co-morbid conditions often found alongside EDS and ASD – and I have all 3!!!
So that explains it. I’m autistic. I am autistic. And that’s okay. I guess that also makes me somewhat of a genius in a way… I’ll get onto that in another blog post!
Ta ta for now xx