Month: May 2018

I’m an asshole, but I can’t help it.

I can still remember an interview I had with a tutor at the London College of Fashion – I was 21 and applying to be on their Makeup Artistry degree. The tutor asked me a question, to which I did not know the answer, so I replied ‘you’re the tutor, you tell me’ and suffice to say, I didn’t get an offer of a place on the degree after that interview.

You see, I’ve bumbled along my entire life, ruffling feathers. Something I’ve said will be taken the wrong way, misinterpreted or will be perceived as just plain rude. But the thing is, I don’t mean for that to happen. I’m not wired the same way as the majority of people – I have Autism Spectrum Disorder. Part of the condition means that I lack the ‘filter’ that non-Autistic (Neuro-typicals) people have – tact, diplomacy or whatever you like to call it – I lack. It is a part of what makes me, me.

Apparently, that makes me an asshole. But, at the age of 31 I am so so tired of having to talk my way out of situations that I find myself in, because my brain doesn’t connect the dots in the same way as the majority. I am sick and tired of having to apologise for saying something offensive – most of the time, I don’t mean to offend people, most of the time I don’t understand how people can find certain things offensive.

I am a big, fat asshole and I’m no longer sorry. I cannot help the fact that I have Autism and I am not going to apologise for my brashness, for my rudeness, for my belligerence (as a music teacher once said I was) I am wired differently. I say things how I see things and I’m incredibly matter of fact about things – I always have been that way.

So here I am, saying SORRY NOT SORRY for being tactless, undiplomatic or rude. If you know me, you know that I love fiercely, am passionate and I care deeply about the people closest to me. I want to look after people, take care of people and I am not a bad person. Yes, I put my foot in it all too often, but isn’t it time YOU made some room for us Neuro-divergents (people with Autism) who are just being themselves. Stop being so offended by something someone says and understand that the things we say come from a place of innocence and naivety not malice.

I do however, want to say thank you to the people closest to me, who over the years have experienced my lack of filter and have stayed put. They didn’t ‘unfriend me’ for something I said once, and they haven’t disowned me because I hate children (yes, I hate children) and they love me regardless. That is what I’m most thankful for that is what empowers me to keep being me.

Maybe, just maybe….the world would be a better place if we just let people be without trying to change them to fit into the Neurotypical World. Oh well, a girl can hope.

Signing off, Big Fat Asshole xx

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Low Budget, Low Faff Wedding

I honestly couldn’t be more content. I’m engaged to a man I adore, we live in our own Victorian house that we’re currently renovating and things couldn’t be better – well, we’re technically poor as I am unable to work, but we’re not in any debt (aside from our Mortgage, which doesn’t reeeeally count) and we’re living inside our means without going without and we want to keep it that way!

With all that in mind, I’ve started delving into the world of wedding planning.

I should caveat that statement with a statement about my hatred (bit strong) for weddings in general. You see, being Autistic, I find socialising incredibly stressful – so you can imagine how weddings can cause adverse reactions in someone who struggles with social situations; I’m also a goth and naturally find that anything frilly, faffy, puffy and white sends shivers down my spine. I just don’t understand the “pinterest wedding” trend of this modern world we live in. Even most of the Rock N’Roll Bride weddings are too weddingy for my dark, dark tastes. (I won’t be wearing any shade of pale, when we get married!)

Oddness aside, it occurred to me recently that I don’t actually think I want to elope – I kinda want my parents to be there when I get married. Originally, I wanted it to be just the two of us and a couple of random witnesses, but the more I think about it, the more I want my parents in the picture – you only have one set of parents and they won’t be around forever, so I know I’d regret not having my folks present when I finally marry the man I love.

So that now leads us down the road of an intimate wedding with parents and siblings. The thought of saying vows in front of parents and siblings fills me with a feeling of impending doom. To say I’m nervous about saying vows in front of more than 2 people would be an understatement. Urgh. Anyway…

Having looked for around ten minutes online at various wedding websites and venue websites, I can say that I do NOT want to spend more than a few hundred pounds on a wedding venue. It is not that important to me to have the ‘fairy tale’ wedding in a big fancy stately home – I’m lower middle class, not a member of the aristocracy – I’d feel like a massive tit swanning around in a stately home that I’d rented (TWELVE THOUSAND POUNDS to rent the Dairy at Waddesdon Manor, for example!!!!) for a day. No Siree!

Honestly, I would LOVE an intimate church wedding. Don’t get me wrong, I am a staunch Atheist and so is my Fiancé but to me, churches are the most beautiful pieces of architectural history and I would love to have a civil ceremony in a Church; they suit my gothic sensibilities to a tee. My other half has vetoed the idea, sadly. (Also, I don’t even think atheists would be allowed to get married in a church???)

So, where is left? I like the idea of a woodland wedding, but would really like to wear heels when I get married, not wellies. My straightened hair also has a shitfit if I spend more than half an hour outdoors… What is a girl to do!?

If you can come up with some ideas of a low budget venue in the UK (preferably England) then I would LOVE to hear your ideas. Please do get in touch if you can help!