I’m an asshole, but I can’t help it.

I can still remember an interview I had with a tutor at the London College of Fashion – I was 21 and applying to be on their Makeup Artistry degree. The tutor asked me a question, to which I did not know the answer, so I replied ‘you’re the tutor, you tell me’ and suffice to say, I didn’t get an offer of a place on the degree after that interview.

You see, I’ve bumbled along my entire life, ruffling feathers. Something I’ve said will be taken the wrong way, misinterpreted or will be perceived as just plain rude. But the thing is, I don’t mean for that to happen. I’m not wired the same way as the majority of people – I have Autism Spectrum Disorder. Part of the condition means that I lack the ‘filter’ that non-Autistic (Neuro-typicals) people have – tact, diplomacy or whatever you like to call it – I lack. It is a part of what makes me, me.

Apparently, that makes me an asshole. But, at the age of 31 I am so so tired of having to talk my way out of situations that I find myself in, because my brain doesn’t connect the dots in the same way as the majority. I am sick and tired of having to apologise for saying something offensive – most of the time, I don’t mean to offend people, most of the time I don’t understand how people can find certain things offensive.

I am a big, fat asshole and I’m no longer sorry. I cannot help the fact that I have Autism and I am not going to apologise for my brashness, for my rudeness, for my belligerence (as a music teacher once said I was) I am wired differently. I say things how I see things and I’m incredibly matter of fact about things – I always have been that way.

So here I am, saying SORRY NOT SORRY for being tactless, undiplomatic or rude. If you know me, you know that I love fiercely, am passionate and I care deeply about the people closest to me. I want to look after people, take care of people and I am not a bad person. Yes, I put my foot in it all too often, but isn’t it time YOU made some room for us Neuro-divergents (people with Autism) who are just being themselves. Stop being so offended by something someone says and understand that the things we say come from a place of innocence and naivety not malice.

I do however, want to say thank you to the people closest to me, who over the years have experienced my lack of filter and have stayed put. They didn’t ‘unfriend me’ for something I said once, and they haven’t disowned me because I hate children (yes, I hate children) and they love me regardless. That is what I’m most thankful for that is what empowers me to keep being me.

Maybe, just maybe….the world would be a better place if we just let people be without trying to change them to fit into the Neurotypical World. Oh well, a girl can hope.

Signing off, Big Fat Asshole xx

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