regret

She said yes!!!

No, this isn’t an engagement announcement, before you get excited… This is a ‘my doctor said yes to putting me forward for female sterilisation’ announcement.

Let me start by explaining how much I do not want children…

I started life like a normal little girl; I loved playing with dolls and pushchairs, I loved playing family with my collection of Barbie and Ken dolls and I had already named my little girl ‘Pansy’ that I was going to have with my first boyfriend at the age of five –  Ryan Bass – Yes, Pansy Bass, that poor imaginary child, I am so sorry.

It wasn’t until after I hit puberty did I really consider having children. It wasn’t something I thought about at all, in any serious way. This carried on until I was around 23 and in my first sexual relationship. I have always been firmly on the ‘pro-choice’ camp but my boyfriend at the time was ‘pro-life’ which, now I look back, is another reason why I’m so thankful I didn’t have to deal with any pregnancies while with this Manchild.

My situation hasn’t altered much in the last 7 years since that relationship ended, in terms of where I live (still with my parents) and I’m no longer able to work, but I am in a long term relationship with a man; a man who teaches children for a living.

One of the first cards I threw on the table during our first date was that I didn’t want children and that it was non-negotiable. Thankfully for me, he was okay with that and he said he’s not fussed about having children either way.

In the back of my mind, I do worry sometimes that my complete lack of maternal instinct will someday impact on my partner’s ‘not so bothered’ status – I absolutely, utterly, do not want to force this lifestyle upon anyone and my choice not to have children is mine alone. I am unwilling to be responsible for any regret someone may have who ‘wasn’t quite sure’ later down the line if/when they then watch their friends have children and wish they had that too.  You simply cannot read people’s minds, no matter how hard you try, so a huge amount of faith and trust goes into a relationship, which isn’t easy!

You may have read previously that I have an inherited connective tissue disorder – possibly from both sides of my parents. It has impacted my life in a huge way and has changed my entire life’s plan more than once. The only time when me and my illness see eye to eye is when we talk about having children (or not!)

My body does not want to carry children, it has made that clear – it can barely carry itself, let alone an 8lb baby. I do not need to go into detail as to how my condition affects me, but I will say that I wouldn’t want to pass this condition on. It’s a horrible illness and I am not prepared to be responsible for a person with a lifelong illness, as horrible as that sounds.
I may get some responses of protest to that statement, but I honestly do not care what anyone else thinks about my view on disability. As someone who is herself disabled, I believe I am more than entitled to have this view on it.

I’ve written previously about my love of sex, travel and antiques and I stand by it. I am thirty years old. Next year, I plan to buy a house with my partner. We plan on travelling all over the world (if we can afford to save enough, whilst paying a mortgage on one salary!) and we like expensive furnishings. We can afford to be self-indulgent and selfish and I want to keep it that way. I love my life the way it is.

To me, having children is like a ball and chain. I personally don’t see any attraction in becoming a Mum. The lifestyle of parenting looks like hard work, that goes unpaid. I do not have a maternal instinct so the ‘love’ I’d feel wouldn’t outweigh all the negatives; the tiredness, the wailing new-born at 4 in the morning, the toilet training, the babyproofing… the list is endless.

My slightly older sister (by 3 years) has an 18 month old. I love him to bits; he’s hilarious and cute at the same time. I’m very much a proud aunt. But, I see what my sister has to go through every day and I thank my lucky stars I’m as free as a bird and I have no responsibilities other than washing my clothes and paying my £10 a month phone bill.

Earlier this year I spoke to my GP about being sterilised on the NHS and the first thing he said was ‘no chance’ because the CGC or whoever simply wouldn’t consider it; I’m too young blah blah blah. I went home with my tail between my legs and felt rather deflated.

I told myself, I’ll leave it for a few months, then try a different doctor; a lady one, hoping she’d understand more, being a woman herself.

As soon as we sat down, I started explaining about how my coil isn’t working for me and I’d like to explore more permanent options. I mentioned permanent sterilisation and she started talking about how often young women come and say they want to be sterilised and then they come back crying saying they want to be able to have a baby at 35.

I looked her in the eye and said I’m not one of those women. I haven’t wanted children since I was 16 and that hasn’t changed and it won’t ever change. She said to me that she could say yes on the spot… as if trying to call my bluff and I said ‘why don’t you?’, she looked at me blankly, paused, and then said ‘okay then, I will say yes, if that’s what you want’. I replied ‘Oh my God, really? Yes, please, I definitely want that’ and that was that. She briefly mentioned having to get funding for it, which I know will be the next hurdle.

But, in the end… she said yes and I couldn’t be happier.

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A permanent decision…

Love them or loathe them, they are now more popular than ever; I’m talking about tattoos.

Tattoos are an emotive subject and everyone seems to have an opinion about them so I thought I’d share my somewhat surprising views (or so I’ve been told!)

Now, on the surface, I look like an ‘alternative’ lady. I have dyed black hair, wear a lot of black clothing, skulls being a particular theme I go for so people naturally assume I am tattooed. The surprising thing is, I’m not – well, I was but I’m not any more.

As I’ve written previously, I began an apprenticeship in body piercing when I was 24 and absolutely loved it; I had lots of unusual piercings in my ears, had skin divers along my arm, a nipple piercing, tongue piercing, navel piercing to name a few. But, I had one lowly tattoo on the inside of my right wrist and that was it.

Customers were surprised that unlike my fellow body piercers and tattooists, I wasn’t covered in inkings and my piercings weren’t all on my face. I liked being the odd one out (shocker, I know!) and eventually, got sick of seeing people covered in tattoos; it wasn’t shocking or interesting any more – particularly as the tattooist at the place I was piercing at wasn’t actually very good at all. But that’s another story for another day!

When I left the piercing place, I ended up being a full time vintage and pinup model and spent a lot of time with other models. It didn’t take long to notice a fascinating overlap when it comes to pinup and tattoo modelling; I was surrounded by “alternative” models who did both alternative and pinup modelling.

During the two years I spent with one group of models, it seemed to me as though they were getting tattoos simply to get photographed for front covers of magazines. Whilst, I applaud their dedication, it really did put me off being tattooed because to me, they all started to look the same.

A part of who I am is my need to be different. In a world where everyone seems to be tattooed, I decided I wanted to undo my foray into being tattooed myself. So I went about having laser tattoo removal.

Before I show you what my non-tattoo-tattoo looks like, I’ll show you what it looked like when I had first had it done.

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I chose to have my favourite name tattooed on my wrist – my late Grandma’s name and the name of my favourite Monarch, Elizabeth I. Yes, my name is also Elizabeth – cue the jokes about forgetting your own name so having this to remind me… blah blah blah!

My vintage modelling was going really well so I decided I wanted to remove my black tattoo and have my ‘blank canvas’ back. Vintage modelling is as it sounds – I wore all original vintage clothing from the 1940s and 1950s, set my hair in rollers and wore a lot of red lipstick. As you can guess, tattoos weren’t a hugely popular look back in the 40s and 50s so I wanted to look as authentic as possible; this meant removing my tattoo.

When people talk about tattoo removal, the first thing people say is how painful it is. Let me say right now, they are absolutely right – laser tattoo removal hurts. It hurts a lot. Even more than having the tattoo in the first place, so to anyone wanting a tattoo who isn’t quite sure… think hard before you are tattooed because it is absolutely no fun at all, having it lasered.

Luckily my tattoo is black; a colour that is more easily removed than others (red, being one of the hardest colours to remove) and it is quite small. Unfortunately I did have my tattoo on the inside of my wrist which is I’m told, quite a tender place for a tattoo.

I’ve now had around 5 sessions of laser removal leaving a minimum of 6 weeks between each laser session. The longer you leave it, the better, as the tattoo will continue to fade after each session and for weeks after.

This image was taken after the 3rd laser session. IMG_1939

This was after the 4th session so it had already faded quite a lot by then. This was taken around 20 minutes after having laser on it. It was extremely swollen and tender – feeling much like severe sunburn… Immediately after having it lasered, it looks a lot more faded than it will the next day. This is normal, but won’t last.

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This was taken around 6 hours after the session, as you can see it has all blood blistered.

And this…. is how it looks now, after 5 sessions – the last one was  a year ago.

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As you can see, it hasn’t entirely gone. It has scarred. Apparently this is a common issue with laser removal, as the skin doesn’t always react the way we want it to. I may have one more session to see if it does any more lifting. I’m quite happy with it now, as no one seems to notice it any more.

For anyone considering having a tattoo, I cannot stress it enough how important it is to be sure of who you are before you do it – or, be absolutely okay with having a painful removal procedure that isn’t 100% effective. It is extremely unlikely to disappear entirely and sometimes the only way to get rid of a tattoo is to have an expensive, dark, obtrusive cover up tattoo over the top.

So that’s my experience with tattooing and why I’m strictly on the nay camp when it comes to being tattooed. What do you think? Feel free to share your thoughts!